UNTITLED

As I drop to my knees,

in the forest of life.

The soil is my friend,

the trees a lonely wife.

For there is hope out there,

and it floats on the breeze.

As I stand once again,

and dust off my knees.

Life is what I want,

at least for today.

I live in the moons light,

the words I now say.

I'm filled with a joyful light,

as the sun circles my brain.

Thirsting for forgiveness,

please bring the rain.

I drink the water of the future,

and eat the meat of the past.

Yet the hope of today,

brings a smile at last.

So as the river meets the ocean,

their path are intertwined.

And a bird soars overhead,

and heals this lonely heart of mine.

by Ricky Silva, april 2013

JUDGE ME NOT

I feel fire in my heart, as the world turns.
Misery finds me lonely, as lifes candle burns.
It's all in my mind, or so I've been told.
But it's all so confusing, as life continues to unfold.

A bird thrown out of the nest, could likely die.
Yet determined to live, that baby bird will fly.
How is it I myself, struggle each and every day.
To embrace my fears, and push negativity away.

I have been disappointed, and I have disappoined others.
I have been a disappointment, to my very own mother.
So I sit on this mat, in a tiny little cell.
With a story to tell, about my own personal hell.

The walls are closing in, or at least it seems.
If I'm living life asleep, then please let me dream.
I feel beaten by life, by myself I have been abused.
I chose this path, why now am I lost and confused?

To know wisdom is to perceive understanding, a wise man once said.
Yet understanding eludes me, and the wise man is probably dead.
Life deals you a hand, often missing an ace.
Yet you always stride forward, wearing your poker face.

I do accept responsibility, for all that I've done.
I accept my loses, along with the battles I've won.
I feel much remorse, for things I will never forget.
I could lay down and give up, but I won't do that yet.

Because along with the rage in my heart, when push comes to shove.
You will find right beside it, compassion and love.
I have done my share of wrong, this much is true.
One day I will be judged, but i hope not by you!!!

by Ricky Silva, may 2013

A STORY OF FRIENDSHIP

I would like to tell you a story, about 4 friends of mine.
It had gotten to the point, where we talk from time to time.
When they first came into my life, I would push them away.
But they stood strong and steady, and said they would stay.

They said you may not realize it now, but we're truely good friends.
And we'll do anything in our power, to stay with you till the end.
When you feel fed up with life, we'll sing you a song.
As long as you have us, you will never be alone.

We're here for you now, who else have you got?
We keep you warm when it's cold, and cool when it's hot.
You feel you don't need us, but that is untrue.
Can't you see how much, the 4 of us care for you?

As time has passed by, I have opened up some.
And they say they knew all along, that day would come.
They speak in a tone of voice, it seems only I can hear.
About how much they care, and they sound so sincere.

They have been a unrelenting precence, for a few years now.
I have tried to rid myself of them, but have yet to figure out how.
So they speak directly to me, and always ask me why
when they care for me so much, do I keep pushing them aside?

That's not how you treat your friends, they always say.
All you ever do is take, and then push us away.
We surround you like a shield, and protect you from harm.
We comfort you in our embrace, when you feel alarmed.

We take your life in our hands, and keep negativity out.
Yet what we keep from you, is all you ever care about.
Well we just want you to know, we will always be here.
Have we not proven that, over the last few years?

The 4 of us have been there, through good and bad weather.
When everyone lost their pen, and wouldn't even send a letter.
Through all the struggles and strife, and late night hunger pain.
The 4 of us where there, to help keep you sane.

So yes, I've come to accept, it's the 4 of them and me.
And though very often in this cell, I question my sanity.
The 4 so called friends I realize now, are no friends at all.
They may be with me all the time, but all they are is walls.

by Ricky Silva, march 2013

EVERYONE NEEDS A FRIEND

My back's to the wall but still I will fight
without saying I'm wrong or believing I'm right.
I could live an illusion or even pretend
that I don't want or need any type of friend.

Do I deserve friends? Who am I to say?
Everyone would have a friend, if I had it my way.
Should a man suffer for his wrongs? I believe so
but what that suffering would be, I don't rightly know.

Should they hang me upside down by the tips of my toes?
Should they beat me half to death with a length of rubber hose?
Or should they lock me in a cell and deprive what's called my mind,
just throw away the key until the end of time?

I am without a doubt no angel, that we know for sure.
Many of my past actions were evil true and pure.
I make no excuses, my crimes I wont dismiss
but I don't believe anyone could possibly deserve this.

To feel so alone at times that you don't wish to go on.
To constantly reach out for contact and for no one to respond.
To suffer every day with only yourself to blame.
To know the way your mind works will never be the same.

After years in solitary the world sort of drifts away,
your past comes back to haunt you and is stuck on replay.
You begin to hate yourself for all the pain you have caused.
I have struggled for years and now my life is on pause.

I understand how many people would feel, I'm just a piece of shit,
that if my life is total hell, I'm the one who done it.
And if I'm honest with myself, I would have to agree
but everyone needs a friend and that includes me!!!

by Ricky Silva, may 2013

MAKE MY DAY

I will tell you how my day goes. Breakfast is served at 5:00pm. I'm a diabetic so I get a special "tray" plate with food that is of stuff a diabetic can eat. I usually wake up at 4:30am and brush my teeth and get ready for breakfast. Everything is in my cell, sink, toilet, a metal sheet that is a mirror. After I eat I play my radio and stretch and walk for a half hour, than lay back down and rest until about 7:30 - 8:00am. Then I'm up for the day. I read my nowel for a while. We are allowed 3 books from the prison library each week. So I read a little, I meditate and and just thinks about what my life could of been.

Lunch is served around 11:00am. All meals are brought to my cell as everyones are and put through a flap in the door. After lunch I workout for 2 hours, usually finish at 2:30pm and cool down for another half hour. 3:00pm the nurse comes and gives me my insulin shot and then at about 4:00pm dinner is served. 3 nights a week they cuff us in handcuffs one at the time and let us get a shave and shower. Other than that we takes what's called a "birth bath" where we wash in our sink.

Then I wait for mail call and hope for a letter. Our cells are close together so we can talk but all everyone does is argue all day. It really is hard, I'm doing better than some but it's really hard on the mind. A letter helps so much. My life is boring and most of my activity takes place in my mind by going back in time changing things and reliving them. Oh, how I wish I could change so many things!

If you're reading this than you already read my introduction. Things have not changed, still surrounded by the walls. Still struggling with sanity but not crazy yet. I hope you enjoy the poetry and if you have questions about me or more important even about solitary confinement on a long term basis, please ask. Ask questions by writing at the address below or sending me an e-mail (you find it on my profile).
I WILL answer all questions openly and honestly. Please feel free to write.

Ricky Silva DC# L24722

Florida State Prison

7819 NW 228th street

Raiford, Florida 32026

U.S.A

THE CRAZIEST THING IN THE WORLD

What could be crazier,

than deaths lonely kiss?

What could be crazier,

than life lived like this?

What could be crazier,

than a toilet made of steel?

What could be crazier,

than the way that I feel?

What could be crazier,

than this tiny little cell?

What could be crazier,

than my own personal hell?

What could be crazier,

than being all alone?

What could be crazier,

than wishing yourself gone?

What could be crazier,

than all these locks?

What could be crazier,

than living in a concrete box?

What could be crazier,

than not being free?

What could be crazier,

than a motherfucker like me?

Live spins in craziness,

it tvist and it swirls.

Live itself and breath inhaled

is the craziest thing in the world.

by Ricky Silva, april 2013

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

For the record, I'm not miserable. I just think life sucks a lot of the time.

The building and cell I live in go as such. It's one long wing with 30 cells, 15 cells on each side. We don't have bar fronts, we have big steel doors with a little space at the bottom. There is a 10 by 10 inch window, we have a bunch of mice that run around and we feed them. Some of us keep them as pets. We also have big roaches that everyone hates.

There is a concrete slap at the back of my cell on which my matt (3 inches thick) sits. The cell is about 6 feet wide and 7,5 feet long. There is a steel toilet and sink connected together.
Supplies are very hard to come by. They give us toilet paper once every 10 days, no sooner and often a lot longer. Lots of convicts use a sock when they run out of toilet paper. We get one small bar of soap a week and the soap looks like a credit card. They don't give you deodorant, you have to buy it. No $$ then you're just shit out of luck.

I realize it shouldn't be a country club but it shouln't be torture either.

We get very small portions of food. Yet because we are confined 24 hours a day to our cell, we must exercise or our joints will jam up and the exercise makes us incredible hungry. That's putting it nice, the proper way to say it would be - fucking starving. :)

Yeah, all in all: This shit is crazy!

We are giving a week: 6 hours, 3 times 2 hour periods in a 12 food cage outdoors, 3 times 5 minutes showers and 1 shave. Other than that we don't leave our cells. Right now other than a shower 3 times a week for 5 minutes I have not left my cell for the last 6 months.

In one of my next postings I will introduce you to some of the people who live on the wing with me. If you think I'm a little wacked out after 3,5 years in confinement, there are some of us who have been in solitary confinement for 10 and 19 years. Does even criminals deserve that?
I'll be the first to say I deserve my punishment of life in prison for the shitty things I did to support my drug habit. I was a slave to drugs but I accept my punishment of prison for my choices.

However, this solitary long term for so long is torture. No one deserve this.

Should you have any questions I can answer for you, whether there about me or my situation or anything, please e-mail me and I'll try to answer all of them.
(E-mail contact on my blog profile)
You may not like the answer but I will ALWAYS be honest.
If you wish to write me personally, my address is below. I will get letters faster than emails (I know how crazy that sounds) but a letter is a better way.

I will update as often as I can with poetry and chat stuff.

Thanks!
Ricky

Ricky Silva DC# L24722
Florida State Prison
7819 NW 228th street
Raiford, Florida 32026
U.S.A